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S#!T My Hong Kong Students Say

If you’ve ever spent time talking to children, you know that they often say the darndest things. Now add in the fact that they’re still learning English and you’ve got yourself the potential for some hilarious conversations.

Teaching English in Hong Kong hasn’t always been the easiest job. Hours are long and often stressful, but there’s certainly never been a dull moment. Looking back, I thought I would be relieved and ready to leave once my contract ended, but I’ve actually grown quite fond of a few of these crazy kids.

As today marks one year at my job and the completion of my contract, I thought I’d share with you some of my funniest moments from the past year. 

Besudesu Abroad

Student: Why is Mr. Pete a boy?
Me: Uhhhhh. Do you wish he was a girl?
Student: Yeah… (bashful giggling.)
Me: Uhhh, why?
Student: Because then he’d be beautiful.
(long pause.)
Student: I wish all the teachers were girls…
Me: Why?
Student: Because I loooove them!
Me: Okaaaaay.

Student: Touch my cock!
Me: WHAT?!
Student: (Pointing to his watch) My cock!
Me: Nooooo! We say cLock … cLLLLLock. And that’s called a watch, not a clock!

Besudesu Abroad

Me: So which book do we want to read today?
(Holding up two book choices with boys of different races on the covers.)
Student: Not that one! That boy is dirty!
Me: What? Which one? Why is he dirty… is it because he’s helping the dirty puppy?
Student: Blackface.
Me: (OMG) NO!

Student: I want to sit on Tobia!
Me: No! You want to sit by Tobia.
Student: No! I want to sit on Tobia.
(Pulls out the chair next to Tobia, while giving me a look like I’m crazy.)

Besudesu Abroad

Student: Where do babies come from?
Me: Uhhh, I dunno! Do you know where they come from?
Student: Uh, duh! They come from Our Lord, Jesus.
Me: Umm, yes they do!

Student: I like penis!
Me: Peanuts! You like to eat peanuts!
Student: (Blank stares.)

Me: (Handing out stickers after class) Which sticker would you like?
Student: This one! (Pointing to the princess.)
Me: Oh, are you sure you don’t want something for a boy? I’ve got McQueen.. or Spiderman!
Student: No I want the princess! I want Belle!
Me: Do you like Belle?
Student: I like looking at the princesses because their faces are pretty!
Me: (Smart boy.)

Besudesu Abroad

Me: Can everyone say ‘Di-no-saur’!
Class: ‘di-no-slore’.
Me: Can anyone tell me what my dinosaur looks like? Or maybe what color he is?
Student: The dinosaur looks like Jesus.
Me: What? How does he look like Jesus?
Student: Because… he’s dead.
Me: …

Student: (Complaining) Everyday she always tells me to eat shit.
Me: Huh?
Student: Yeah! Everyday! She telling me ‘sek si, I’m sek si’. (The Cantonese phrase for ‘eat shit’)
Me: Nooo! Sexy! She’s telling you, you’re sexy!

Besudesu Abroad

Me: So can everyone say ‘Val-en-tine’s-Day’!
Class: ‘La-en-ties- Day’.
Me: So what are you going to say to your parents when you go home? Happy…
Student: Happy Vaseline Day!
Me: (Eh, close enough.)

Me: Okay, it’s snack time!
(Hands out snacks to everyone.)
Student: I want more!
Me: No Samuel, no more.
(Turn around to put the snack box away.)
Other Students at the Same Table: Teacher, where’s our snacks?
Me: Huh? What happened? Samuel! Did you eat their snacks?
Student: (Cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk, he shakes his head no.)
Me: (Sigh….)

Besudesu Abroad

Me: So when two people, like your mommy and daddy, love each other very much, they get married.
Student: I already tell my parents I don’t want to get married. I just want have girlfriend.
Me: …But you’re 3!
Student: I have sooo many girlfriend.

Me: When you serenade someone, you sing them a song. Who wants to serenade Katie?
Student: Me! Me!
Me: Okay, stand up and go stand by Katie.
Student: The wheel on the bus go round and round…

Me: What words can you think of that start with the letter W?
Student: Weaner!
Me: What?
Student: Weaner!
Me: Like a hot dog?
Student: No, weaner!
Me: Yeah, let’s go with like a hot dog. (Draws a hot dog on the board.)

Besudesu Abroad

Student: Miss Beth! Miss Beth! My gong gong (Cantonese for maternal grandfather) went to the Jesus.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that….
Student: That’s okay! It’s 2013, so we have 2014…2015…2016…2017…2018…2019…uhh…
Me: 2020
Student: 2020…2021… before we all go to the Jesus.
Me: Oh, um, ok!

Me: Can we see the Eiffel Tower in Paris?
Student: We can see the Eiffel Tower in Hong Kong!
Me: Where is there an Eiffel Tower in Hong Kong…?
Student: They just haven’t built it yet.

Besudesu Abroad

Student: Show me your old-puss!
Me: My what?!
Student: Your old-puss card.
Me: Ohhhhh. My Octopus card.

Me: Who has a handsome daddy?
Class: (All the kids raise their hands excitedly, except one.)
Me: Jojo, is your daddy handsome?
Student: No, my dad is ugly.
Me: Oh, alright.
(45 minutes later.)
Me: So when you go home, you can tell your daddy he’s handsome. Can we raise our hands again if our daddy is handsome?
Class: (All the kids raise their hands, again except for one.)
Me: Remember, handsome means that he’s beautiful!
(Still not raising his hand.)
Me: Jojo, are you sure your daddy isn’t handsome?
Student: No, still ugly.

Me: Everyone say ‘Eiffel Tower!’
Class: ‘iPhone Tower!’
Me: Does anyone know what the Eiffel Tower looks like?
Student: My mommy has an iPhone. I play Candy Crush.
(Facepalm…)

Have you taught English in a foreign country? What’s the greatest thing you’ve heard them say?

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10 Responses to S#!T My Hong Kong Students Say

  1. Herra July 7, 2013 at 5:36 pm #

    thanks for sharing– entertaining!

  2. Arianwen July 7, 2013 at 7:58 am #

    Hahaha. This post made my day! Kids say the funniest things, but throwing a foreign language in the mix makes it even more entertaining! I envy you!
    Arianwen recently posted…Visit the Shire with Hobbiton Movie Set ToursMy Profile

    • Beth Williams July 10, 2013 at 10:25 am #

      Being a foreign language definitely helps make it more entertaining!

      (btw super jealous of your Hobbiton visit :D)

  3. Iain Mallory July 4, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

    Haha absolutely love these, laughed at every single one, not sure which is cuter though the phrases or the pics of the kids.
    Iain Mallory recently posted…Postcards from Germany – Favourite Destinations Photo SeriesMy Profile

    • Beth Williams July 10, 2013 at 10:26 am #

      I guess I’m lucky to have such cute students!

      I was away from work the past week, and towards the end I was really missing some of those kids!

  4. Heather July 3, 2013 at 11:15 am #

    Oh my gosh, these kids are so stinkin’ cute! I loved the sek si one :-)
    Heather recently posted…A Brief Introduction to MahjongMy Profile

    • Beth Williams July 4, 2013 at 8:31 pm #

      They really are cute! Can’t go a day without laughing when teaching English to children!

  5. Angela July 2, 2013 at 12:56 pm #

    I don’t know why but posts like these always make me laugh so hard. I especially liked the dinosaur one!
    Angela recently posted…Travelogue // 02: BudgetMy Profile

    • Beth Williams July 4, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

      The dinosaur one is one of my favorites too! :)

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