If you’ve ever spent time talking to children, you know that they often say the darndest things. Now add in the fact that they’re still learning English and you’ve got yourself the potential for some hilarious conversations.
Teaching English in Hong Kong hasn’t always been the easiest job. Hours are long and often stressful, but there’s certainly never been a dull moment. Looking back, I thought I would be relieved and ready to leave once my contract ended, but I’ve actually grown quite fond of a few of these crazy kids.
As today marks one year at my job and the completion of my contract, I thought I’d share with you some of my funniest moments from the past year.
Student: Why is Mr. Pete a boy?
Me: Uhhhhh. Do you wish he was a girl?
Student: Yeah… (bashful giggling.)
Me: Uhhh, why?
Student: Because then he’d be beautiful.
Student: I wish all the teachers were girls…
Student: Because I loooove them!
Student: Touch my cock!
Student: (Pointing to his watch) My cock!
Me: Nooooo! We say cLock … cLLLLLock. And that’s called a watch, not a clock!
Me: So which book do we want to read today?
(Holding up two book choices with boys of different races on the covers.)
Student: Not that one! That boy is dirty!
Me: What? Which one? Why is he dirty… is it because he’s helping the dirty puppy?
Me: (OMG) NO!
Student: I want to sit on Tobia!
Me: No! You want to sit by Tobia.
Student: No! I want to sit on Tobia.
(Pulls out the chair next to Tobia, while giving me a look like I’m crazy.)
Student: Where do babies come from?
Me: Uhhh, I dunno! Do you know where they come from?
Student: Uh, duh! They come from Our Lord, Jesus.
Me: Umm, yes they do!
Student: I like penis!
Me: Peanuts! You like to eat peanuts!
Student: (Blank stares.)
Me: (Handing out stickers after class) Which sticker would you like?
Student: This one! (Pointing to the princess.)
Me: Oh, are you sure you don’t want something for a boy? I’ve got McQueen.. or Spiderman!
Student: No I want the princess! I want Belle!
Me: Do you like Belle?
Student: I like looking at the princesses because their faces are pretty!
Me: (Smart boy.)
Me: Can everyone say ‘Di-no-saur’!
Me: Can anyone tell me what my dinosaur looks like? Or maybe what color he is?
Student: The dinosaur looks like Jesus.
Me: What? How does he look like Jesus?
Student: Because… he’s dead.
Student: (Complaining) Everyday she always tells me to eat shit.
Student: Yeah! Everyday! She telling me ‘sek si, I’m sek si’. (The Cantonese phrase for ‘eat shit’)
Me: Nooo! Sexy! She’s telling you, you’re sexy!
Me: So can everyone say ‘Val-en-tine’s-Day’!
Class: ‘La-en-ties- Day’.
Me: So what are you going to say to your parents when you go home? Happy…
Student: Happy Vaseline Day!
Me: (Eh, close enough.)
Me: Okay, it’s snack time!
(Hands out snacks to everyone.)
Student: I want more!
Me: No Samuel, no more.
(Turn around to put the snack box away.)
Other Students at the Same Table: Teacher, where’s our snacks?
Me: Huh? What happened? Samuel! Did you eat their snacks?
Student: (Cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk, he shakes his head no.)
Me: So when two people, like your mommy and daddy, love each other very much, they get married.
Student: I already tell my parents I don’t want to get married. I just want have girlfriend.
Me: …But you’re 3!
Student: I have sooo many girlfriend.
Me: When you serenade someone, you sing them a song. Who wants to serenade Katie?
Student: Me! Me!
Me: Okay, stand up and go stand by Katie.
Student: The wheel on the bus go round and round…
Me: What words can you think of that start with the letter W?
Me: Like a hot dog?
Student: No, weaner!
Me: Yeah, let’s go with like a hot dog. (Draws a hot dog on the board.)
Student: Miss Beth! Miss Beth! My gong gong (Cantonese for maternal grandfather) went to the Jesus.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that….
Student: That’s okay! It’s 2013, so we have 2014…2015…2016…2017…2018…2019…uhh…
Student: 2020…2021… before we all go to the Jesus.
Me: Oh, um, ok!
Me: Can we see the Eiffel Tower in Paris?
Student: We can see the Eiffel Tower in Hong Kong!
Me: Where is there an Eiffel Tower in Hong Kong…?
Student: They just haven’t built it yet.
Student: Show me your old-puss!
Me: My what?!
Student: Your old-puss card.
Me: Ohhhhh. My Octopus card.
Me: Who has a handsome daddy?
Class: (All the kids raise their hands excitedly, except one.)
Me: Jojo, is your daddy handsome?
Student: No, my dad is ugly.
Me: Oh, alright.
(45 minutes later.)
Me: So when you go home, you can tell your daddy he’s handsome. Can we raise our hands again if our daddy is handsome?
Class: (All the kids raise their hands, again except for one.)
Me: Remember, handsome means that he’s beautiful!
(Still not raising his hand.)
Me: Jojo, are you sure your daddy isn’t handsome?
Student: No, still ugly.
Me: Everyone say ‘Eiffel Tower!’
Class: ‘iPhone Tower!’
Me: Does anyone know what the Eiffel Tower looks like?
Student: My mommy has an iPhone. I play Candy Crush.